Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
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[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.