ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
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You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
Guilty! 🤪
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
sliding into dms like
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.