I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
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{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.