Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
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my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
When you “pspspsp” too hard
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog