*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
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“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*