He wanted to make sure😂
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Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
Me: “At last, sunny weather! Time to go outside and develop a healthy glow!”
Pollen: “I’m going to make you look like you’ve been pepper sprayed”
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
Bread puns are on the rise!
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.