You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
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Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
WHY would you be happy about this?
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.