The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
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I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
My zodiac sign is pistachio
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.