My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
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I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”