When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
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My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?