Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
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My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
A short story about romance.
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD