If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
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Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?