I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
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I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town