*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
You Might Also Like
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”