Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
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Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad