I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
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[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
Probably my best painting.
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life