Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
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fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
is this meant to deter me
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
Forever 21… pounds overweight
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.