The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
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I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
TERMINATOR: Come with me if you *really* want to live.
[montage of them going to art galleries, swimming with dolphins, sky diving etc]
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
All excellent questions
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!