“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
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My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
i- i did not expect this
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
I’m not alone. I have ants.
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else