Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
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I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
quarantine day 3
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.