Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
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i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*