charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
You Might Also Like
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….
over 7k tabs down the drain….
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
rich people when they have to pay taxes
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
Happy Febuary everyone!
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.