It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
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If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
I need a headline like this
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes