All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
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You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
Did my cat write this
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
no!! no!!!!!!
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.