*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
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you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
Doctor: You’ve got cancer.
Me: *slides a twenty across the examining table*
Doctor: What’s this for?
Me: Say something else.
Doctor: You’ve got shingles, too.
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.