I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
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[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
PARKOUR
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.