Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
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manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.