Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
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Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
A short story of betrayal:
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?