When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
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Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver