Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
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[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
“Great, now I have to pee.”
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
7: Momma, I need $10
Me: Why?
7: I can’t tell you.
Me: Then I can’t give it to you.
7: (sigh) Fine, it’s for a deal I made at school.
Me: A deal!?
7: (big sigh) I’m bringing money, Carson is giving me toys.
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet