When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
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GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives