My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
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psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
what the
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.