coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
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I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
Traveler’s camo
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard