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[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?