Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
You Might Also Like
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
No selfies while hijacking a train.
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall