Roses are red
Violets are blue…
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Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much