Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
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Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
😂😂
(2022)
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
If you want my opinion ask my wife
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
Dammit Chief not again
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours