“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
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Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil