Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
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People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.
Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
Is this a threat?
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before