My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
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Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
It’s a gift
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
first date idea we go to marriage counseling