him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
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In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good