Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
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*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.