H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
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People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
the icebreaker
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
Go girl power!
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated