Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
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papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
i choose….tongue
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
This is hilarious….
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
the composer
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
any last words?
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..