I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
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Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.