I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
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Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
When your best mate counts as a desk too
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
Saw a fess on here how someone randomly texted their wife saying “I love you” and it saved their marriage. Tried it and now my wife thinks I am having an affair as it’s out of character
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
Hey i am sexy to you now
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…