*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
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“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
This anagram machine is out of order.
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”