oh you like architecture? name three walls
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I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
Saving my good tweets for marriage
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.