Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
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Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
I love art.
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
My dad.
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.