The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
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“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
Wall-E is probably the most human love story of all: little gremlin man that collects cool shit meets shiny lady that wants him to have more plants.
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”